On Sat, 18 Jun 1994 11:45:51 EDT, Anthea Tillyer wrote: >I know it sounds ridiculous, but I get really, really >upset by nastygrams. Does anyone have a >good way of dealing with nastygrams? Please don't tell me to get a thicker >skin and please don't tell me that with an address in New York City I should >know all about how to deal with nastiness :-) The May 16 issue of NewsWeek's cover story (men, women, and computers) may be worth a quick read. Whether conscious or not those who flame INTEND to intimidate. Becoming upset does NOT sounds ridiculous. Frankly, I'd be worried about your mental health if you didn't. However, I URGE you not to permit yourself to become a victim. What I've read is consistent with what I've observed: most flames are immature expressions of male inadequacy. The first line of defense is simply ignore nastygrams entirely (curse, yell at the walls, whatever, but) don't reply and try to avoid any action or LACK of action that lets intimidation succeed (when bullies can't succeed, they often simply vanish). If the message is particularly offense (personal, threatening, obscene). Mail a copy to the offender's postmaster (perhaps noting that regardless of disclaimers, users' behavior does reflect on the institutions that provide them access). Most postmasters WILL do something about blatant problem users. I agree with your sentiment that blaming the victim ("hey, you're a New Yorker," "a man's world is a rough world") is entirely the WRONG attitude. We should all act to make a kinder, gentler cyberspace an integral part of netiquette. The last couple of instances of flaming on MAC-L were greeted with a few public (and many more private, apparently) polite but firm "we don't do that here" replies that seem to have been effective. I too have been guilty of occasional intemperate email, but I'm trying hard to repent. /s Murphy A. Sewall <[log in to unmask]> (203) 486-2489 voice Professor of Marketing (203) 486-5246 fax