On Sat, 18 Jun 1994 11:45:51 EDT, Anthea Tillyer wrote:
>I know it sounds ridiculous, but I get really, really
>upset by nastygrams.  Does anyone have a
>good way of dealing with nastygrams? Please don't tell me to get a thicker
>skin and please don't tell me that with an address in New York City I should
>know all about how to deal with nastiness :-)
 
The May 16 issue of NewsWeek's cover story (men, women, and computers) may
be worth a quick read.  Whether conscious or not those who flame INTEND to
intimidate.
 
Becoming upset does NOT sounds ridiculous.  Frankly, I'd be worried about
your mental health if you didn't.  However, I URGE you not to permit
yourself to become a victim.  What I've read is consistent with what I've
observed: most flames are immature expressions of male inadequacy.
 
The first line of defense is simply ignore nastygrams entirely (curse, yell
at the walls, whatever, but) don't reply and try to avoid any action or
LACK of action that lets intimidation succeed (when bullies can't succeed,
they often simply vanish).
 
If the message is particularly offense (personal, threatening, obscene).
Mail a copy to the offender's postmaster (perhaps noting that regardless of
disclaimers, users' behavior does reflect on the institutions that provide
them access).  Most postmasters WILL do something about blatant problem
users.
 
I agree with your sentiment that blaming the victim ("hey, you're a New
Yorker," "a man's world is a rough world") is entirely the WRONG attitude.
We should all act to make a kinder, gentler cyberspace an integral part of
netiquette.  The last couple of instances of flaming on MAC-L were greeted
with a few public (and many more private, apparently) polite but firm "we
don't do that here" replies that seem to have been effective.
 
I too have been guilty of occasional intemperate email, but I'm trying hard
to repent.
 
/s Murphy A. Sewall <[log in to unmask]> (203) 486-2489 voice
   Professor of Marketing                          (203) 486-5246 fax