Its nice that the UK gateway supports the auto-delete format for
listserv.  Would be even nicer if the used it a way that would work.
/ahw
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Date:     Sun, 13 Mar 1994 12:45:34 -0500
Reply-To: Bill Innanen <[log in to unmask]>
Sender:   Valentine Michael Smith's commentary <[log in to unmask]>
From:     Bill Innanen <[log in to unmask]>
Subject:  Re: for the kids... (or "the late night flat")
Comments: To: [log in to unmask]
Comments: cc: John Joseph Barry <[log in to unmask]>
To:       Multiple recipients of list VAL-L <[log in to unmask]>
 
 
Val and list members,
 
This has turned into an interesting discussion for me.  And considerably
more apropos after some events of late last night, which I will relate to
you, below.
 
"jb" writes about his childhood and teenage years, and goes on to point out that
 
>...it seems
>to me people are looking for that "bandaid" fix again. pointing
>the finger at the easy targets.
 
Pick the target of the day, be it the labeling of video games, curfews for
people under whatever age, "Just say no" campaigns, de-targeting tobacco or
liquor ads, etc.  All of these are valid things to do, but like jb I feel
that they are wide of the mark.  They are indeed bandaid fixes.  And like
bandaids, they are useful in solving specific problems, but far from a
general solution.
 
jb's suggestions,
 
>i think we should start educationg "kids" about things that
>count, tell them about sex, show them pictures of drug addicts
>of gang violence, scare them if necessry, but make them aware.
 
are also good, and necessary, but again far from a general solution.
Flooding people with specifics will not help when they are confronted with
a new situation that you did not prepare them for.  It's like forcing a
student to memorize dates in history class, or memorize reams of equations
in physics.  It's far better to have a general understanding of things, and
from that be able to quickly work your way down to specifics, even if it is
a specific that you may not remember ever encountering before.
 
One cannot protect a child full time.  Sooner or later they begin asserting
their independence.  This starts very young these days, even if it's just
choosing what television program to watch on Saturday morning.  You can't
anticipate every danger or temptation that they might encounter, and they
certainly would never remember that many warnings even if you could.  You
must prepare them to think responsibly for themselves.
 
Now last night's story. <Warning. Entering "proud parent" mode.>
 
Last night was the closing night of my daughter's high school musical play.
Stephanie played oboe in the "pit orchestra" for this production of
"Gypsy."  A bunch of them in the pit decided to have their own party after
closing, and further, Stephanie wanted to spend the night with her friend,
Carey (who plays flute).  So about a dozen of them (pit members and
assorted boyfriends and girlfriends) set out in 2 cars to the local Pizza
Hut.  But the play closed after 11pm and the Pizza Hut was closed by the
time they got there.  They were told that another Pizza Hut about 15 miles
north was still open (it wasn't, as it turned out) so they headed for
there.  Somehow Carey, driving her parent's second car, clipped a curb too
closely and blew a tire.  They pulled into a parking lot and debated what
they should do.  Carey was afraid to call her parents for fear that they
would be angry.  Most of them were for calling AAA to come and change the
tire and deal with possibly angry parents later.
 
Stephanie, however, decided that it was best if she called me.  Note that I
was not expecting to hear from her until the morning, so she had nothing
immediate to worry about.  She called me about 1230 or so.  After
ascertaining that they were off the road and safe, my next question was
whether Carey's father had been called.  "That's next."  (I thought at the
time that it was odd that I had gotten the first call.)  I told her that I
was on the way.  By the time I got there, Carey's father was there (they
live closer) and they were putting the car up on the jack.  I got out my
big "T" lug wrench, and one of the boys, who works summers on a tow truck,
changed the tire.  (Aside:  Have you ever tried to use those stupid toys of
a lug wrench that come with a car?  Completely worthless!)  Riders were
re-distributed, and the kids headed out to deliver everyone home.
 
Talking to Stephanie this morning, I found that once all the kids found out
about my reaction to Stephanie's call, they all decided that they'd check
in with their parents.  "Easy brownie points" as Stephanie called it.  One
of the boys even had the presence of mind to call the county police and let
them know where they were and that they'd be there for a bit (they were in
a nursery school's parking lot).
 
Stephanie asked me this morning, "Dad, did you use subliminal instruction
or something on me when I was little?  I felt all worried and guilty until
I called you.  But after I did everything was fine."  My answer was, yes,
definitely I had deliberately tried to instill a sense of responsibility in
her (and her brother).  I told her straight out, that it had worked and I
was very proud of her.
 
My point for this long winded story?  (Sorry 'bout the length)  I never
warned Stephanie about what should be done in case of trouble on the road
late at night.  She doesn't drive, so we've never had that discussion.  But
she had been trained to think for herself, independently of those around
her.  She did, and then proceeded to do what she thought best, which then
encouraged to others to do likewise.
 
<Proud parent mode off.>
 
You can't protect people, children or adults, from all possible hazards in
life.  Reducing the number and severity of hazards is a laudable goal, but
one that is impossible to ever complete.  Similarly, you can't warn people
about what to do or not do in every possible dangerous circumstance.  There
are too may circumstances, and new ones arising every day.  But still it's
a good thing to do.  The best bet is to prepare people to think for
themselves.  Instill a sense of responsibility.  Provide them with the core
of a moral code that they can then expand upon themselves.  All of this is
best done while they are young.  And the best way to do this, in my
strongly held opinion, is to live all of these precepts yourself, in and
out of their presence, and explain your thinking to them at the drop of a
hat, whether they've asked or not.  Things learned by experience and by
example as a child are the things most easily learned and the things that
will stay with you the longest.
 
Best,
Bill
 
PS - Hmmm... This soapbox is beginning to look a little worn out.  I must
have been overusing it lately.
 
--
Bill Innanen             (Internet) [log in to unmask]
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